the art of letting go

- this is a blog written by my tita...-
im just posting it right here...for other people to read it and somehow learn from it. -enjoy reading

THE ART OF LETTING GO
by: SweetSexyThing/Happinezs


I could never realize how am gonna face life without the person I loved deeply and who loved me for who I am. That he will never be mine forever. He will marry the girl who will bear his child. And I cannot get him back just like usual break ups because of third party.



She was his girl in his town that I never realized she could ever exist. I didn’t see it coming. Everything was good or so I thought, and we’re happy together for a year or so. We went to work together everyday for 8 to 10 hours a day 24-7. I could not care less if he’s having he’s off once a month to visit his hometown. And I don’t know why I don’t go with him and see his parents every time he invited me to. I was so confident that he loved me so much and he could not find somebody better than me, after all he won my heart over our boss and another two guys he conquer just to have me. We worked together and have fun and love each other everyday in a restobar we were working. Everyday he would receive a note from me, posted on his locker during breaks or on his dtr with a kiss mark on it, when ever our shifts don’t end with the same time. And he would show it me it the next day; it’s like bringing his reports to me, and of course, followed by a sweet kiss not to mention the safest hug ever. And if we got the same schedule together, I would help him dress up and put buttons of his polo and then again end it with a kiss. And he would never eat without me, for God’s sake, even if he hasn’t all day long and we’ll end up eating a large meal together. He took care of me everyday because he told me he’s just thanking me for loving him so much. He was my life that time. You see, that’s my routine. How could I ever forget every inch of him in his suit and his scent during early shifts and during peak hours. I was young, in love and happy. I would not exchange him in anything because I believed that he’s the only thing I got. My happiness and my home. I would not say it’s perfect; I wasn’t really like living a dream, of happy in-love and secure life. But I would never dream of anything but having him by my side and being happy of the few things we have, and I ever believed in contentment at that time. But I could say, I’ve never been happy ever, in a relationship. Some of my past relationships screwed me up. After all, all women dreamt of having a night shining armor that would love and take good care of them. And we’re good until that devastation happened. We never had a closure.



I can’t ever forget the day when one of our co-employees received a text message and out of shock he showed it to me;

“ Pakisabi kay Mark pupunta ako OB Gyne bukas, masakit yung tyan ko, kelangan nyang umuwi “ Michelle



And I can’t believe that I really saw his face go red when he read the message and looked at me as if I could understand what it meant. Then he asks permission from our manager that he needs to go. I really am not sure how my life was after that. We didn’t talk about it. We worked together but we ignored each other as if we don’t know each other. One day he decided to approach me but I thought I don’t deserve to know the whole story like the way he’s faking. All along had I thought that there’s a pregnant girl all the while our relationship was there. Then I decided to quit my job.



He tried to stop me and offered marriage instead. But all I can think is the child, and I cannot deprive the child to grow without a father. Growing and living each day with pain and rejection like me.



When I lost him, I forced myself to live again. I had my new job, changed my lifestyle, moved to a new place and start anew. It was very very hard but I didn’t have a choice. My dignity and I, was the only thing I got that time. I can’t sleep well for months; all I do is cry and cry but prayed, very hard. I even knelt and begged at the altar of a church just to ease the pain. I don’t know how long did I cry and mend. I didn’t realize how long pain stayed in my system. I can’t even turn my head to the boutique where we usually buy his cologne. I can’t go to the places where we usually hang out. I don’t eat the food we usually eat. I tried to cut all the communications to the people that were connected to us. I did everything to forget that part of my life. But the hardest part of it was enjoying the pain in me. Living in pain and believing that it’s easier to get hurt rather fighting for your right to love and be happy. I had loved. Loved a man to the finest way I knew and lost him to the roughest way I ever known. I never thought of loving again. And if I have to, I would give anything to make it last with me, only me.



Nevertheless, I am an abandoned child…I never knew where do I exactly came from and who my parents were, personally. They just left me in a neighbor, a couple who just lost their 17 year old daughter due to heart failure. Can’t you see,” I’m a blessing!” And I grew up in a complete family who took care and love me more than my loser biological parents should have done.













I believe that’s the reason why I cling to a person who gives me time and care. I never dreamed of having the best things in life actually but having somebody with me and making things possible, I know that’s more than enough.



If everybody would think I’m normal and happy, eventually I have a complete family, never did perfect but I was blessed. As I grew older and started to figured out things, pain and loss was my disease. It’s an unwanted feeling of emptiness and rejection which I try to overcome, everyday. Every time I witness heartbreaks, failures, frustrations of other people and mine, fear sucks and it’s eating me. I never knew this cloak of grief would rest on me. I’m the usual girl everybody sees and think of who I am, but there’s more to heal inside of me..I don’t know how this could ever be cured.



Four years flew fast…It’s been four long years since that incident happened. Never had I thought how hard to live each day picking up the broken pieces of me, until one fine day, August 20, 2008, our ways cross again. The man I used to love. We bumped unexpectedly and decided to have a few talk in a coffee shop. God, it was so beautiful! Life is really so mysterious, isn’t it?



I could never feel any pain or regret. All I can see is the man who helped me learn to face the battle of loss and pain. I should have known how it feels good to let go and move on for good. Sometimes we should let ourselves get hurt for a while just to make things right.



But I could still see and feel how guilty he is. I really feel sorry for him deep inside. He said he’s fine, the usual family man but his choice changes his life he said. It wasn’t a bad choice though but he said it’s a thing that an unplanned choices usually broke a man’s direction anyhow..That every single wrong move will never get back your life back again. I wish him faith and happiness of his choices. Everything serves purpose, I realized that very moment.



Loss and pain is just a part of my journey. It was never only about it actually. It’s about how to continue healing and moving forward of where my choices would lead me to. No matter how incomplete we are.. but we still the are ones who are in charge of own happiness, ..our own choices. I also believe finding one true love will heal this disease completely. I know I have so much to give and I will find, in time.



Loving and be loved is everybody’s dream that few could ever find peacefully. We are here for different purposes and missions, everyday we journey building our destiny and looking back every choice we made, and the outcome is what we just deserve.



To those who are lost and in pain, just hold to your deepest desires in this life, for letting go is actually finding something stronger, a beautiful reason why sometimes we need to stop. Every wound heals and leaves scars that tells story. A story that will define us and will motivate us to make our lives even better. We all continue to journey with faith and in God’s love so we could fully understand what is our journey is all about.







sst// 082008